four days diary with Alin

10 July

My heart is heavy, very heavy …

Alinut, my dear precious love – I want you so much to live, to see you grow up, to teach you to swim, to play the piano or anything you’d like – because you like music – I want to hear you sing – take you everywhere, to the mountains, the woods so you can feel the leaves under your feet and to listen to its music – to the sea to feel the sand beneath your feet and to swim …

To grow up to see you chose the right path in life – I have dreams and plans for you, but they are only my own … and they don’t count …

When you smile my heart skips a beat and you brighten my day when you are happy and play!

When I see how you suffer my heart breaks – so much suffering and so much pain that you could not understand and you are so small  and so  sensitive to every touch.

I wish I could hurt for you – it would be so much easier. When I hold you tight I feel your heart, I can feel how you expect protection and help from me and how you nourish yourself with my love – it warms my heart and make me feel I could climb the Everest with you in my arms.

You are intelligent and strong and fragile at the same time. I can see how you fight like a little soldier for your life. You suffer and fight. I wish you could win! But it is a tough and painful fight and you are so small and delicate.

Why can I not fight for you?

I can only love you and pray.

Dear Lord, I am begging for Alinut. Please ease his pain, please give him strength. I know You have all the power, You can make him whole and healthy again. You call to existence what is not and give life where there is none. For you nothing is difficult. Your yoke is GOOD, even if it’s hard to bear. Your will is your yoke and I have accepted it. May it be Your will. I know you love him more than me. You know what’s best for him.

Thank you for creating Alin to give him a future and a purpose. Thank you for each day you give him.
Thank you for bringing him in my path, even if  this will shatter my heart.
Thank you for each smile, for the joy he brought, for every embrace, for each time he sweetly called me ‚mama’ for each hour I could spend with him.
Lord, I lift my dear Alin up to you and my heart with him. Let it be your will what happens with both him and my heart. Amen.

11 july

What can I do for you, how can I help you, Alinut?

Again, I can only pray.
People and doctors do what they can, but Alinut’s life in Your hands, Lord.
Oh, Lord, I wish You wouldn’t take him yet and make him well! To see him playing and laughing. But You know what’s best for him. Alinut does not belong to me but to You, Lord. Please, Lord, have mercy on him! Amen.
How I wish you wouldn’t have to suffer anymore, my sweet Alinut. You suffered like a martyr and fought like a soldier, but you are still a baby. I wish I could suffer for you – only for you to be well. It hurts me every time it hurts you.

You smiled! My dearest.
Alinut, you are my love, you know?
Yes.
Will you get well and take a ride in the car?

Yes, car vrrrm
Mommy will take Alinut in her arms and we will drive the car together and Alinut will honk …
A smile

Yes,  tooot tooot, mama
He glued his head to my heart and stayed that way. I thought he fell asleep and did not hold back the tears
But he wasn’t asleep and stretched and kissed my hand.

12 July

Alinut, my dear precious love, my heart aches for you
You are weaker. On Monday you talked in sentences, you spoke about 50 words, I enjoyed the fact that for the first time a sentence with 3 words – and now you only say mama, papa (eat), no more  and car … meaning let’s go home…
On Monday you ran, played and laughed. Today I put on your shoes and tried to walk you holding your hands but you could not even take 2 steps …
Oh, my heart aches to see you like this ..
When I take you into my arms with your head on my heart or shoulder you hide your hands on your chest and that relaxes you.
When I kiss you and tell you – you are my love; you smile and say yeeees.

Some people ask me if it’s hard. Nothing is hard: not even the hospital stay with all it ”secondary effects”, not even the ”humiliating tyranny” specific for the hospital (though most staff are very  nice) no effort is too great: not even vomiting which I got used to, not the carrying, not the uncontrollable fury when Alinut hits, bits and scratches me – I understand, it is the end of his tolerance and he does not understand why he has to suffer, none of these are too hard …It is hard to see him suffer. My heart aches for him and the pain is like a knot inside me.

If I could help you, Alin, I would give you my eyes, my hands or feet … or days from my days …If I could only give you my health.

But who am I to say this?
Forgive me, Lord, please. You know everything and You love Alinut more than me, and me …
I trust you, oh Lord. Please ease his pain and lighten his suffering – he frowns even in his sleep as if he carried a heavy load …

I lift Alinut up to You, oh Lord with all my heart. Amen.

13 July

Who do you belong to, Alinut?

When God created you, He created you so wonderful!

He took care of you. And also when HE considered it right, he brought you in my path and placed you in my arms. You are like a treasure He entrusted me with for a while. You rest in my arms with so much trust … and I love you so much!

And I am telling you that the pain will pass and you will forget that it was so difficult, so painful. I would like to tell you that there will be sunny days and we will enjoy them together. I would like to tell you that we will have times with smiles, time to wipe the tears when you ride your bike, fall and hurt yourself; time to laugh at your mischief, time to watch you play soccer and you will shout: look mommy, time to teach you how to pray, to tell you about God, to pray together, time …

Don’t know how much time we will have: you belong to HIM, to God who brought you into existence because He wanted to and I know He has a purpose, a plan for your existence, and it is a good one.

Your days, hours and moments are HIS .

Lord, I thank you for putting Alinut in my path, although this brokes my heart. Thank you for putting him in his arms.

Thank you for the privilege to hold him, thank you that my arms bring him relief, that I make him feel secure, protected, that my arms are tenderness, love, peace and relaxation for him.

Thank you for every moment, and please help me to the end, because my heart is so heavy …